It has been a while since I posted a blog. Too long in fact.
There has been a lot happening in my life. I am learning more each day. And my Fall ~ has finally appeared.
I am going to write frankly.
I spent a large part of my life chasing an ideal that is not mine. I wanted to find my soul mate, my other half. I wanted to marry a man and lose myself in some sort of fairy tale. I swear I know it sounds ridiculous, but I was waiting for someone to appear and take me away from everything I didn’t want to deal with.
The pain. The heartache. The reality of life, and the people who tear me down everyday. I wanted to find the healing salve for my wounds. I thought if I continued to ride through life I would eventually find the path I had been searching for. I felt I knew the way so strongly.
When I began this semester (as I mentioned before) I jumped in – entirely.
I knew my idea for the translation program was going to be big, but I cannot say I ever imagined how big.
I think all of us are given the talent to produce ideas, to produce a solution to a need. But, we neglect those answers due to fear. The fear of failure, the fear of the unknown, and the fear that we will be taken outside of every possible comfort we know.
I can say only a month into the creation of my program – I am experiencing all of these fears. I am constantly thinking about what I need to do next, how I will do it, and when.
And I can say I have never felt so alone in my life.
I am surrounded by people. I am attending college full-time and taking courses I have no experience with. I work two days in a restaurant, and I am building a translation program. No one seems to understand how hard it is to say,”I can’t” again and again to their invitations or plans. My phone rings constantly, but there isn’t anyone I can really talk to about everything running through my head.
When I do finally come home – I am greeted by the happiest face I see all day. And without a doubt, I can say my little dog has been my saving grace. He loves me no matter what I do, and I am so grateful for his love.
But, I am not complaining, not at all. What I am admitting to – is this is hard. Dam* hard.
It’s hard to know I can be successful, but to not see a clear path to that success. It is hard to know this path will waver and move, it will wind and bend, and my success will be contingent on my ability to change with it.
It’s hard to know there is no one else as passionate about my dream as I am. It’s not easy to see the doubt in someone’s eyes when I explain what I want to accomplish. It is not easy to put faith and trust in other people, but it is even harder when those faiths concern your livelihood.
I am no pillar of strength, nor am I anything special. I just have a dream, and a passion that has grown from an idea. And I know I am going to have to fight for a long time if I really want it.
Because I know now, more than I ever have, how hard we have to work for something that really counts. We have to be willing to be alone. Willing to stay home on weekend nights and work. Willing to lose friends, to lose love interests because – the dream became worth it.
I was always scared to be alone. I thought if I went after something so boldly – I would lose everything. I would lose friends, lose love interests, love contacts and lose what I thought was important.
But what I realize now, and more everyday, is I am not losing anything that is not truly mine.
My real friends will stay around when I don’t see them for weeks, and don’t have time to come out and play. The boys who wish to take me to dinner, and make me laugh – will be there when I have time. If they are supposed to be there.
For the first time in my life – I am leaning hardest on my family. I am seeking their advice, their love and encouragement, and thankfully they are walking with me.
So why wouldn’t I throw everything into the wind, and dive into something I feel strongly about?
Isn’t it time? Isn’t it the day, the year, to take control of my life and say loudly, “THIS is what I want.” All the while knowing I have no idea how to get it, but completely aware of the knowledge that I can attain my dreams if I don’t give up.
And if I don’t let fear take control.
Do you know what it’s like for me, a young woman to be asked by adults, by people with experience, “do you know how huge this is?” The intimidation is overwhelming. But I can’t back down.
I constantly say, we have this one life, this one very short and small life to do whatever it is we want. I have been immensely blessed in my life, and I want to give those blessings back. I want to share what I have.
I am learning something so much greater than any sort of success or wealth could bring ~ I am learning to believe in myself.
So here’s to being alone on a Saturday night, here’s to feeling content wearing sweat pants and sipping on wine, here’s to realizing I am moving forward everyday to help others.
I truly cannot think of anything better.
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