I read a post yesterday written by a woman who is content as a single woman in her later years. She is an intelligent eloquent woman who was married once, but never found her other half. She is perfectly happy with her life, having casual relationships, and has maintained her vibrantly bold personality.
As a girl/women in her later 20’s I am often hit with weird emotions or perceptions about where I should be in life. If I looked at many of my friends or fellow high school classmates, I would be described as a lone “wolf” outside the families and marriages. I am no where near getting married and I certainly don’t have children. And I don’t plan on acquiring either of these in the near future.
I returned to college late in my mid-twenties after I traveled and learned about who I am, who I wanted to be and where I wanted to spend my time. I never ran with any pack – I have always chosen my own path. I was never able to fit into any group or cliché no matter how much I wanted to – I am just an odd bird.
I cannot deny that there are moments when I wonder what my life would be like if I had taken the normal “college out of high school” route or if I had married one of the two men I was previously engaged to. I always thought that “normal” might be interesting, but every time I came close to it I ran….fast.
Just like the other “lone wolf” I wonder if I will be single all my life. I cannot seem to find a current that matches my own and men become more and more general as I get older. Don’t get me wrong-I absolutely love men, but finding one that could satisfy me forever is another subject entirely.
But the real truth is that a part of me longs to be married. I am sick and tired of the games and masquerades that pervade single-dom. I thoroughly dislike the process of getting to know someone. I love it because I find people interesting, but it never seems to go fast enough for me in relationship terms. Walking slow has never been a trait of mine. Yet I am too commitment shy to jump into anything.
I expect the person I am with to immediately understand my sharp tongue rarely means harm (it just takes over sometimes) and that I am probably one of the most sensitive people they will ever meet. I expect to be able to understand my partner without much effort.This (so surprisingly) rarely happens. My idealism often overtakes my relationships and I am left dumbfounded-and full of questions.
I exist in the fairy tales of old romance. I wish to linger in the poetic world of Pablo Neruda and be written letters, poems and courted like a lady. I want to be loved with a vivaciousness that I don’t believe exists anymore and I want to know at my very core that the hand I hold will respect me “for as long as we both shall live.”
As you can see I am quite the case. Pretty much everything is both black and white to me-there are no real gray areas. I want a companion, a best friend. Someone who values similar things as I do yet brings real flavor to my life and teaches me new lessons. I want to be challenged and loved fiercely. I may tempt fate, but I won’t settle.
I too, will be another “lone wolf” until I find my other half and truthfully I am okay with that. As I become older I grow closer to the woman I am inside. I cherish my company and space, I like my independence and freedom and I don’t need a man by my side to feel beautiful.
I am beautiful. Not because of my looks or anything that is exposed on my outside. I am a passionate woman with a good heart. I have a million flaws, but I try awfully hard and I am capable of loving indefinitely.
I think so many girls/women lose sight of what it really means to be beautiful these days, and it’s so easy with the role that society and media play. But what makes us shine is the light we carry inside.
Rejecting society and telling myself that I am not too old to be finishing college or staying single can be tough and sometimes disheartening. But I wouldn’t change the lessons I have learned, the places I have traveled, nor the people and men that I have loved-for anything.
I carry inside myself, a rich history that will continue.