I knew that I wanted to stay away from my computer as much as possible during my break and odd enough-I did a great job of it.
Booting up my traveling buddy felt strange as I opened it for the first time on Saturday-cold metal-ly plastic and yet my lifeline to so many different avenues. Crazy how much we rely on our electronics to make it all easier these days.
I have been going through a lot lately. My mind and body haven’t been agreeing on a few of my choices and I have been feeling anxious and out of sorts.
I had originally planned on returning home for my break-seeing family and friends but the truth was just that I was too tired to make the trip and in no rush to couch surf or fill bags with my clothes and girl-fab products. Going for a hike everyday, trying to clear my head and seeing those I haven’t been able to see here was what I wanted to do.
I wanted to spend some time investing in this new life I have.
It seems that as I get older my energy is just subsiding. After dancing Friday and Saturday of last weekend, my feet and ankles are covered in bruises and I don’t remember being stepped on. I hope that it doesn’t mean anything serious-I have always worried about my legs for some reason. But I digress.
I am now in another part of my life and I don’t have the time to cultivate it the way I would like to. I really don’t know anyone here-certainly not very well and that is disheartening to me. I no longer want to be out all night or drink until I can’t see straight. I want long meaningful dinners, solid wine, incredible conversation, laughter, and of course dancing some too. But what I mostly find is the yearning to party in one way or another.
I don’t want fillers in my life-I want relationships, but the truth is that I don’t really have time and I don’t know where to meet these people. Most people my age are in serious relationships or professions. They have a set group of friends and there lives are already in motion. I feel so torn the majority of the time because I am very different from the students I am surrounded by everyday and yet I don’t have a family or career. Who am I supposed to be?
So what do I do?
I tell myself that this is okay, that I have lived enough for 3 people already, and that I just need to stay absorbed in my studies, but it is becoming harder and harder. And it is very lonely.
I was able to spend some time with people that I have met in the area this week and that was very nice, but again that time was spent doing activities so I wasn’t able to get to know them much better.
I want to have friends again-people that I can call for advice or dinner or just share their company. I want to feel like my life isn’t on hold just because I am doing something for my future.
But this has always been my paradox. Growing up and doing something for yourself is always so lonely. What if it is all over tomorrow? Or what if it never ends?
I think sometimes, I think too much.