While walking in the woods with my dog this morning I realized that weight has everything to do with the stop signs in our life.
I am not talking about pounds or extra packaging, although these could certainly be examples of it. The weight I am talking about are the items or people in our lives that we allow to hold us back from being ourselves.
It isn’t difficult to get caught up. As humans we naturally adapt to our surroundings and if they aren’t healthy for us we can begin to take on the traits we dislike the most. Sometimes we are lucky enough to move on quickly, but other times it takes a hand slapping or two to wake us up.
I have always told myself that I am strong. I have thought that I could stand beside fire and not get burned-but that has never been the case for me. I continually test its heat and continually find myself asking why I did. And I suppose some might say that I am dumb, but I don’t think that is it.
I think that while my idealism often carries me off into fairy tales I would never be the person I am if it didn’t. As I grow older I become more cautious about the decisions I make and who I allow in my life, but I never want to become too cautious. I believe there is a sort of magic in keeping some of our childish idealism.
I don’t believe that we are meant to think everything through and while I know that runs a fine line of becoming dangerous, it is our whims and sometimes our moments that set us apart from one another. We aren’t defined by our decisions, only our mistakes.
When I went to Costa Rica I traveled alone. I had never left the country by myself and I knew no one where I was headed. I was a lone traveling woman and that was both exhilarating and scary. I didn’t know who I could trust or what places or areas might be safe. I wasn’t fluent in Spanish and so I didn’t know if someone was taking advantage of me. But I had my faith and my intuition.
My intuition guided me strongly throughout that trip and I learned that if I allowed my senses to guide me, they would take over.
But that trip was especially difficult for me because I learned about who I really was. I saw myself completely out of my element and safe zone. I watched myself become involved with certain people, places and things and I saw how I dealt with situations. I saw the rawest part of myself because I was away from anyone that I feared would have judged me.
I made many mistakes and I did things I am not proud of, but I accepted myself in the process. I learned that while I often make the wrong decision, it doesn’t have to break me.
The weight I carry are the insecurities that line my belt. They are my fears and doubts about myself and my life. They are bold and heavy and often allow me to get lost and lose my way. I get caught up in the romance of life and forget about the responsibility of it. I can fall prey to the beating of my heart and forfeit my individuality.
I have always been a child on many levels. I fuss and fight when I don’t get my way and pull on trousers for attention. I cry easily and dream heavily. I fall often and get scraped up. I am idealistic and hope to be rescued from this cruel world by my knight in shining armor.
And while some of these traits are easier than others, I refuse to shut myself down and stifle the child inside of me. I don’t want to iron out all my bumps, instead I want to learn how to travel over them in a smoother fashion.
And I believe it is possible, without giving myself up.