(January 9, 2013)
Life has been absolutely insane. I started this blog believing that I would be able to write a lot-and I will, but I have been playing the wonderful game of catch-up and I swear it cannot last forever!
I missed over two weeks of school because of my accident and being in the hospital which put me very behind in school and put me on the cautious list at work. I am teetering on the “unreliable” and that has been upsetting, but I have had to tell myself that it is okay.I have been stuck in the world of homework, coffee, and junk food…mmm-all in an attempt to stay awake and get caught back up in my classes.
I was blessed in that most of my teachers understood my condition but while understanding is nice-it still doesn’t do my homework for me:) or take my missed quizzes/tests, etc.
I had the mid-term of a lifetime yesterday and I can say with confidence that it was the hardest test I have ever taken-I studied my rear off for it and MAY have gotten a “C”. It is a lecture based class with little guidance and even lesser direction-the professor, while brilliant, feels the need to fill his students full of all his knowledge-thereby making it difficult to know which path is the right one.
It has been really tough coming back-making sure that I come to class even when I am in a lot of pain or just nauseous from all the medication, but I have done it. At its height I had a test everyday along with presentations and normal homework and studies…I was cussing life but I have to say that in the middle of it-I kept seeing how proud of myself I am.
At 3:00 am on Tuesday morning I was still studying-hoping that all the time I had been knee-deep would somehow pay off. I was beginning to be very tired and I started to complain before realizing that I have a pretty incredible life. While I have been doing little besides studying-and folks I hate to study-especially when I don’t that particular subject to exist-the life of a studier is pretty freaking awesome. I was in my own home, in my bed, my puppy curled up at my side, Pandora blaring my Zero 7 channel and a fresh cup of coffee in my hand….what is soo bad about that-really?!
But when you are in school, and up to your eyeballs in homework-in “do this” and “do that” it is not always easy for the student to see that. I think one of the biggest reasons I can is because I have been on the other side-when I was just working and working hard day in and out. The life of a student is a blessed one.
But I have to say this-I am really proud of myself. I didn’t give up, I didn’t say maybe tomorrow or put what I could do off-I charged my studies and dove in with a ferocity that I didn’t know that I had. At one point the things I had to do took up an entire page in my notebook and I remember looking at it thinking…”oye!” but not once did I not try. I woke up everyday happy in my blind bliss because I was being challenged again-I had to rise to the occasion and I was very ready.
The sad news is that all that heaving and hoeing and doing my very best still led to dropping a class. It was the only class I had where the professor gave me a very tough time about my being sick-in fact he didn’t believe me. I had to ask for a letter from my doctor specifically (a Doctor’s note wasn’t enough) and then gave him a play by play written account of my surgery just to push it home that I had a valid excuse and wasn’t some screw off just messing around. What blew me away during that mess was that two of my teachers had waived aside the doctor’s note I originally had because they told me that they trusted me and didn’t need it. But this one did. I had done poorly in my two assignments before I went into the hospital because I had translated the assignment incorrectly, so after missing so much time and doing poorly on a retake test almost a month later-he said that I would not be getting the grade I want.
He told me this at the beginning of my class on Friday and I was in another world for that whole period. Everything I had done and yet still, here I was. I was sad and angry, but then I calmed myself down. I reminded myself of everything that I had went through. Whether he should have worked harder with me or not is a moot subject and one I prefer not to enter-it could only lead to pain on my part or anger. I sat there and wanted to continue, I wanted to try-I am stubborn and willful and did not want to give up-but I had to.
There are decisions that we make in life that don’t necessarily change it immediately but that will be beneficial down the road. While I did not want to drop the class because it is an excellent class to be in and was hard to get into-I knew that my chances at applying for scholarships next year are more important-I knew that while I could blame myself, my surgery, or him that ultimately it was just the way it happened and I needed to decide and move on.
After class I approached my professor and asked him if he would allow me to continue attending class if I dropped it-he graciously said yes. I then went to my advisor to ensure that I was not harming my progress and called financial aid to make sure I wouldn’t mess anything there up. All was good-but I was sad.
Walking into the registar’s office to drop the class felt so damning. It was during lunch time and the building was quiet. There were a few students walking around, even less sitting down and I realized that I was ashamed to be there. As I made it up to the third floor I quietly handed my sheet to the calm guy behind the desk and although he told me that it was dropped-I didn’t hear a word. I just saw the movement of his lips.
The red and harsher Ahna was whispering words of total failure in my ear while the white and softer side was trying to calm my soul. I sat down on a bench in front of the building where there is a beautiful view. It sits at a busier intersection but the noise mixed with a heavier wind was soothing to my heart.
Sometimes we have to make choices we don’t like, admit that we couldn’t do it all and while I have actually been pretty good at that through my life-I was not so good at letting it go and that dragged me down.
I looked around at the students, the bright colors they were wearing, the heavy coating of Tar Heel blue and in that moment I forgave myself. What could I have done more? What extra hour or two could I have spent studying harder? But what did it matter? And I stood up, several pounds lighter and walked to my car.
I am not going to give up fighting towards this dream I have of being successful and being content. I have faced soo many obstacles in my life and I have to say that God has blessed me by making me a person that can laugh when life gets gooey and often can find the reason hidden underneath the train wreck. I am not any more special than anyone I have ever met but I am resilient and I love that about myself.
I go to an incredible school-the #1 Journalism program in the nation and when I get on the bus to go-I have to admit that my elation is sometimes overflowing. I LOVE to catch the bus, I LOVE to buy a cup of coffee to take to class, I LOVE that I am in awe of my Journalism professors and I LOVE that I can recognize how blessed I am….
This girl won’t ever give up…not ever…